Crazy Daizy

I love being a mom, I truly believe I was put on this earth to be a mom.  I love my little girls and I feel blessed to have them in my life and to have the opportunity to raise them.  That being said, it’s hard to have a preschooler and a newborn with a deployed husband that left when the newborn was a week old.  I know there are moms out there who do it everyday and I tip my hat to them!  Anyway, I was reading my daily devotional yesterday, it was written by a woman who loved being a mom now, but had not always felt that way.  She talked about being ready to give up and the day that everything changed.  It made me stop and think about the night I was ready to give up and the moment that changed me. 

I do not consider myself a strong person.  I do not like to be in charge.  So, being an Army wife is really hard for me.  I’ll admit that it has changed me in some ways for the better.  I have learned I can survive on three hours of sleep, I can take care of two sick children and still keep the house clean, I can navigate icy roads, I can handle the money..  But, it was one of those nights.  Kendal and I were up for the fourth or fifth night in a row, she was screaming, I was walking, rocking, feeding, burping, bouncing…everything I could think of to calm her.  Monkey was up every ten minutes missing her daddy, needing a drink, wanting to sleep in my bed.  By three o’clock in the morning I was done.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  So, there in the middle of my bed I collapsed into a mess.   As I held my precious child close to my body and rocked her, I began to cry, almost as loudly as my tiny, helpless infant.  As the tears streamed down my face and the resentment toward my husband began to surface I looked up at the ceiling and said “I can’t do this.  I am done.  I can’t do this.”  Almost immediately my baby stopped crying and closed her eyes, she was asleep!  My tears stopped almost as quickly as they started and I felt the most beautiful sense of peace.  At that moment, I knew I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t doing this by myself.  The resentment I felt began to fade.  I knew that God was with me and everything would be alright.  I have always had faith in Him and have struggled and continue to struggle to be what He created me to be.  I’m so thankful for that moment, the moment I was completely broken.

After that night I had a new peace, a new joy.  I felt calmer and more relaxed.  That feeling has stayed with me.  That is not to say that we still don’t have some rough nights, but they are less frequent now.  On those nights I say a prayer and do all I can to comfort this beautiful little person God has entrusted to me.  I know it’s all going to be alright as long as I remember I’m not doing this on my own.

And, to ease the husbands mind, I don’t resent him, anymore.  I know he’d rather be here with his family than where he is.